The Only Thing That Matters: A Response to the loss of Chester Bennington

When I woke up today, I had every intention of silently grieving the news that has poured in over the past 24 hours regarding the death of Linkin Park front man Chester Bennington. While I understand that such news will affect everyone differently, I have decided that I, for one, am done staying silent.

I fear that our internet age has allowed us to take a back seat and watch as the world burns without batting an eye or letting it affect us. I will be the first to admit that there are assets to the internet in allowing us to communicate and be connected more than we ever have. Yet, in the onslaught of information and a thousand voices clamoring at once, I fear sometimes what really matters gets lost in the noise.

As I was skimming my Facebook newsfeed today, I stumbled across a meme reacting to Chester’s death. Because the death was reported as a suicide, the responses appear different, in many cases, as they would be if there was a car accident or heart attack or some other cause of death, including a drug overdose. Our culture believes these sorts of deaths as tragedies. The apparent view of suicide, on the other hand, seems to think that it is appalling, unthinkable.

There is a problem with this. The fact that someone would even deem it appropriate to create a meme mocking a man who’s life ended a mere 24 hours ago, is unthinkable and yet it happens. It happens far too often. The individual who created this meme was senseless in terms of considering the added pain that it may have caused to Chester’s loved ones in addition to the weight of what his suicide has left in its wake. Memes are disengaged ways of coping with life and while I am all about using humor and irony to laugh at our problems within our culture, I do not feel that mental health, death, and suicide are not issues that are laughable.

Think about it, if someone died in a tragic accident, terrorist attack, natural disaster… would we find a meme about it funny? Why is suicide any different? It shouldn’t be. Yes, I understand that Chester took his own life, by his own choice, yet the darkness that he battled must have been beyond comprehension. I by no means wish to romanticize suicide but I do want to shed light on the ways our culture responds to it and hopefully cause even a ripple in terms of changing the conversation and ways that we respond.

As someone who has lost loved ones due to suicide and as someone who has herself personally struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and tendencies with failed attempts in her history, I will say that we have got to stop brushing it aside, condemning the victims, or mocking the pain. With the internet world being what it is, while we seem to be the most connected, we are simultaneously grossly disengaged. Because we share a post or like a page, we have done our job. We stuff the news somewhere deep inside our conscience and go about our days as if nothing happened.

Now, I am not saying that we should not post the things that matter to us. What I am saying is that it must not stop there. We must allow ourselves to engage, Let yourself wrestle with this kind of news. Cry. Empathize. Although I never knew Chester personally, I know I was not alone in being touched by his music. Music that still holds echoes of the weight that he was carrying and the struggle to believe that life was worth it all. Unless you have been there, you have no right to an opinion.

Perhaps you have been there? Perhaps these disengaged memes are a way of hiding behind a mask of mockery because you are too afraid to admit the fear you carry. The fear that if people knew that you’ve thought about it too, the shame that our culture, our churches, our media have portrayed that suicide is condemning or heroic. It’s easy to point the finger.

Friends, suicide in neither condemning nor heroic. The decision to take one’s own life leaves irreparable damage in its stead. Death holds a finality that you could never begin to comprehend until you are staring it in the face. For someone who holds that much pain in their heart, for someone who’s body and mind have warred against one another for so long, it seems the only escape. I get it, I’ve been there too. But I also know that life holds so much beauty that it is worth it to keep going.

Jamie Tworkowski, founder of the organization To Write Love on Her Arms, has written a beautiful article to respond to what is beyond a doubt felt as a great loss to the world. TWLOHA has been a source of hope for so many, including myself. I am forever thankful for those like Jamie, whose hearts beat with compassion, love, and a dream to make the world a brighter, more hopeful place.  Let’s do our part to change the conversation. Let us not be afraid to open our hearts and respond in love to those who struggle beyond comprehension, to lose who feel they have lost all hope. To the loved ones and anyone affected by Chester’s death. my heart goes out to you. My prayers and love are with you.

 

If you or someone you love struggle with depression or suicide, please reach out. Get help. Jaimie has shared these resources, so I am posting them here as well:

Crisis Text Line is a great place to start. Simply send a text to 741-741. A trained crisis counselor will respond, 24 hours a day and seven days a week. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Like Crisis Text Line, these folks are available 24/7.

For additional resources, including licensed mental health counselors, please visit TWLOHA’s website.

 

In the end, the only thing that matters is that we take each moment as it comes, that we learn to laugh and love and breathe and find beauty in every bit of it. What matters is that we learn to love. Love the people that surround us, those who are battling wars inside of them that we couldn’t begin to understand, love the life you’ve been given… beauty is in all things if we simply pause for just a moment and look. Take in every sunset, every sunrise, as a celebration that you have made it another day. Collect the memories that make you smile, the ones that make you laugh and remind you that you are loved. You matter and you are worth it. You are worth another day and many more to come.

My Life: The Setup for Deconstruction

I have had a few people asking me questions about my story and why I believe what I believe. I’ve been asked by several how I can justify being a Christian and stand up for many of today’s social justice issues (which in my opinion, those two should never be separated). I’ve been accused of being “progressive,” a “heretic,” and a “Jezebel” among other names. In any case, I wrote out the process and the factors that have accumulated to my odd sort of amalgam of beliefs. Bear with me while I attempt to guide you on this journey. 

 

Step one: Make sure you are born into a Mormon fundamentalist sect that practices polygamy, hidden away in the Rocky Mountains of Montana. You are the third oldest, of eleven children, the oldest daughter.

Step two: You lose your baby sister. She is born three months premature with a tumor in her lungs. She lives exactly 48hrs. You are five years old. Set aside for processing.

Step three: Trace back your bloodline to the founder of the town you grow up in, and nearly all of the 900 people living there as well. The founder is your great grandfather and the prophet of the United Apostolic Brethren.

Step four: Begin attending a public school in third grade because another of your sisters has been diagnosed with ADD. The private Mormon school you attended in your small little town doesn’t have the appropriate training or resources to give her a proper education and Mom refuses to split the kids up.

Step five: Become friends with a Christian girl who says that she can’t be friends with Mormons causing you to question your entire world and existence— everything you’ve ever known up to this point.

Six: You are molested by your oldest brother. You can’t talk about it with anyone. Thankfully, this only happens once… at least to you.

Seven: Begin struggling with self-worth, prone to suicidal tendencies and self-injury.

Eight: Receive a diagnosis for Manic Depressive Disorder. Begin taking Antidepressants. Realize that drugs make you feel like a zombie and you decide feeling depressed is better than feeling fake. Stop taking meds.

Nine: Try to cope with various instances of your mother not being present and your father’s anger outbursts, which often result in physical violence and verbal abuse.

Ten: Your brother ends up in jail, tries to straighten his life out but gives up. He begins to study the Wiccan religion.

Your parents force you to go on a trip with the Mormon youth group from the little town  you grew up in, to the key historical locations where the Mormon faith was birthed. You begin seeing parallels between Mormonism and the Wiccan religion. Because of the hypocrisy and double-standards you witness in your community growing up and on the trip, you become agnostic and give up on the religion you grew up knowing.

As a junior in high school, you have a friend hospitalized due to an overdose/suicide attempt. Another friend had shot herself only months prior and ended her life.

At the same time, your friend is hospitalized, your brother has a drug overdose at a party and nearly dies. He ends up back in jail for a short period for violating his probation. You have no one to talk to or process these events with, at least no one safe. You begin seriously contemplating suicide because you can’t handle the pain.

 

Add a bottle of pills and a prayer that leaves you passed out in your own tears. Let it sit overnight. Come morning you wake up with a choice.

 

You take your life out of the pit it has been in and put it into a church, one that your brother convinced you to begin attending with him once he is released from jail. His cellmate has led him to Jesus—a Native American man who explains his faith in terms of spirituality that overrides his previous Wiccan beliefs. Once in a Christian church, you feel like you have found a place where you feel free, you feel loved. You belong. The church is Pentecostal non-denominational. They teach you about the Holy Spirit and the gifts. They pray for you to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. You want to believe but nothing happens so you pretend because you’re getting tired and you know if something doesn’t happen the prayers will never stop.

You continue to go to church but this causes tension in your family. They believe that you have left the one true church and unless you turn back around and come back to their Mormon church, you will condemn yourself to hell. Doubts and questions frequently surface from the doctrine and old ways of life that you were raised with, this makes you simultaneously doubt the how trustworthy the Christian faith is in all aspects as well.

You move in with your older brother as soon as you turn eighteen, in order to keep some sense of peace and sanity, for freedom to attend church and worship the way you want to–the way that your new church has taught you.

Three months after moving in with your brother, your mother is diagnosed with cervical cancer. As the oldest daughter, you move home to help her with the other children and keeping up the household as she undergoes treatment. She receives laser surgery and visits a naturopath who encourages her to change her diet. She does so. She remains cancer free.

Two months after moving back home, you are kicked out because your brother shared about the community’s teachings and practice of polygamy with a church in a nearby town. Your mother panics. She tells you that if you are going to choose to be a Christian and go along with your brother, then you have to get the hell out. You leave with a trash bag full of belongings and a vague idea of where you will spend the night.

The pastor of the church your brother spoke at invites you to stay at his home for the week until his family has to leave in order to facilitate a church camp. The family models Jesus with their support and provision. You call your mother the next morning to tell her that you are safe. She yells at you over the phone. You hang up on her because your throat has closed off so tightly that you can’t speak. The pastor’s wife embraces you and holds you until you stop crying. When you realize you’ve forgotten your toothbrush, they readily offer one.

When you leave their home, you spend the entire summer moving from place to place, staying with friends and you even spend a handful of nights sleeping in your car. Towards the end of the summer, a friend gives you a book explaining the Mormon doctrine of blood atonement and apostasy. Apostasy is the sin of turning your back on the church and speaking against it, a crime deemed as punishable by death. Blood atonement is the name of a sin paid for in your own blood. You are angry and confused. You feel as if your whole life has been a lie. Like the earth itself has been yanked out from beneath your feet. You wonder who else knows it. You wonder if your parents know. It would explain them kicking you out. If they did know, how they could stay with their church? You spend weeks feeling sad and angry, but thankful that God has gotten you out. You haven’t spoken to anyone in your family since leaving.

The youth pastor at your church tells you about a discipleship school about seventy miles away that would provide a home and help you to gain a solid foundation for your beliefs. You’ve been a Christian not quite two years at this point.

You move into the discipleship school about a month later. The couple that runs the small school takes discipleship to heart. They meet with you weekly one on one and encourage you in your walk with Jesus. The couple models Jesus well. They are real and do not hide their struggles and doubts. It helps that the students live in their home with them so you see everything. You are thankful for their example.

Three months after moving, your brother goes back to jail. This time he tells you that he feels like God wants him to confess that He had molested you and your sister. You are afraid because you know that this means he will go to prison. You also know that this means that there is no hiding the shame you have felt for nearly ten years. You try to talk him out of it, but he is sure.

You get a phone call from your mother the day of his sentencing. She is broken and you can no longer hold yourself together either. Through heavy sobs, you beg her and your father not to be angry. You forgave him after it happened. You don’t know why, except that you know your brother and you know that it wasn’t him that night. It’s been ten years and you’re okay. Your brother will hopefully be getting help. This causes a crisis of faith, where you consider throwing away everything and going back to your old life but you have nothing there. You already know where that path leads. Still you are hurt and angry with God and begin to question his goodness.

Your mentor at the bible school walks you through your pain as you wrestle with God and suicidal thoughts again. One night as she prays with you in your room, she encourages you to ask God where He was when everything happened. You see a picture in your mind of Jesus fighting off demons as your brother makes his choice to hurt you, and you’ve made a choice to keep silent. You realize that Jesus has always been fighting for you.

Your brother spends the next eight years in prison. There are some days when you almost forget he exists. You have forgiven him, and your heart has received a lot of healing, but he is far away and not present in your life… you learn to live without him there but feel guilty when you forget about him because in prior years you were close.

In the process of this healing, you have numerous relationships with men, many who take advantage of you and use you. You begin going to college to study to be a teacher. All your baggage goes with you, you are nearly assaulted your first few weeks there. You don’t tell anyone except your roommate at the time you tries to encourage you to report it. You fought him off so nothing happened. You convince yourself that there is no need.

Your professors encourage you to pursue writing because they believe that you are skilled but also have a story to tell. You change your major to Creative Writing, and a second degree/emphasis in Literature in case you need something to fall back on.

The church you have been attending since moving to the discipleship school begins to manipulate your time, energy and emotions. You witness the ways they take advantage of people on a regular basis and no longer believe the sermons spoken on Sunday mornings. After everything you’ve walked through with Jesus personally, you know he is not the enemy… you begin to hate the church.

You end up leaving your church after having an emotional breakdown. Shortly after, the church closes it’s doors. At your new church and through your campus ministry involvement, you become close friends with a couple of people that also take advantage of you and use you, eventually cutting you out of their lives when you need them. One was a narcissist who was also your best friend for three years. You got incredibly close without realizing the damage that was being done. The campus ministry leader also models similar behavior as your old pastor and manipulates you, puts you down and doesn’t not respect your time or when you say no to helping with events. You step down from your role as a staff member, burnt out, frustrated, and hurt. All of this only drives a further wedge between you and the church.

You begin to struggle with chronic pain due to reproductive health issues. You spend months trying different medications and different doctors in hopes of definitive answers. After a year, you decide to stop taking medication because it only seems to make the pain worse. Your body doesn’t function as it normally should, but it’s better than feeling like your life is restricted due to the pain.

In the middle of this, your sister leaves her husband and begins talking about divorce. He is emotionally, and sexually abusive. Sexually because he does not respect her body and pushes her to have children in spite of the nine miscarriages in five years of marriage. He refuses to see a doctor or look into adoption for help. During the first five years of their marriage, her husband has controlled her diet and distanced her from family. Your sister ends up going back to him after four months. You still struggle to show Christ to your brother in law.

In the process of the chronic pain and frustrations with the doctors, your best friend severs all ties with you. You try to salvage some part of the friendship but after a while, he refuses to acknowledge your existence. You attend the same church. He refuses to speak to you or look at you when you are talking in a circle of friends. You begin to avoid church and any interactions with him for a while.

A few months later, another of your closest friends severs ties with you, behaving in similar fashion. Shortly after, she begins attending a new church. Thankfully, one friend has been as loyal as the sunrise in the midst of all this and stays with you for over three years in spite of the messes and pain and wanting to give up. This friend has shown Jesus in his genuine heart and giving grace and love to everyone he knows. He too has had doubts and at times has not known how to be a supportive friend as you’ve struggled with pain and depression and grieving the losses in your life, but he never stops showing up and you are thankful. This friend, and those like him that you have been lucky enough to have in your life, are what keep you going.

 

Mix this all up and you have a beautifully broken and skeptical young woman who doubts people and their intentions, doubts society as a whole. You have a girl who doubts the church and religion, who doubts God and often times even doubts her friends as well as herself.

 

Nevertheless, in the midst of the hardest seasons, this life has been glazed with a sweet understanding of the love of Jesus due to some moments of irreversible light that she has experienced along the way. Her faith is not the same “giddy, throw up your hands and dance” faith that it used to be when she first accepted Jesus, but there are still those moments. Rather, it is now a seasoned faith, more like a deep, rich red wine. Sweet and perhaps still a little bitter, but they say all the best wines get sweeter with time. So she can hope. She can always hope.

 

I have watched doors open for provision when I haven’t known how I was going to pay my rent, I have seen my relationship with my family not only restored over the years, but we’ve grown even closer. It is still hard and it still takes a lot of work. I am still viewed as a liberal “Jesus Freak” who may or may not go to hell by my family, and a liberal borderline heretic by many in the church, but they have watched me cling to Jesus in the moments when I had almost nothing else, and I have risen from the dust time and time again. I am determined to still keep rising.

I continue to try to see God’s heart for people around me because I have caught a glimpse of His heart for me. I try to believe that He can use a broken and flawed church in spite of the ways I have been hurt by it and most days want to throw the towel in—because I too am broken and want to believe that God will use me. My life is nothing if my experiences do not help make someone else’s burdens a little easier to carry. I am more prone to deconstruction because if my faith cannot withstand the weight of these experiences, then it is not a faith worth having. I am prone to questions because when all hell breaks loose, those questions are sure to surface. If there is anything in my foundation that is not secure, I will feel it, and I will see it, and I will run in shaky circles until I have something I can stand on.

But one thing I know for certain: I want to live like the Jesus I have seen in my own personal walk and hope that others will see it too and do likewise. It doesn’t happen overnight, but I have to believe it will make a difference. I have nothing if I have not hope

 

*Note: These are the MAIN bullet points of my life. I realize that all of this could be a book in and of itself. Believe me, I am working on that. There are stories of short-term missions and being a youth leader and singing on worship teams, and campus ministry and children’s church and women’s ministry, and even being rejected by churches and church circles scattered throughout as well. The things that have been most defining have been when I have felt the most broken and/or when God’s voice and presence has come through. Those two facets have at times been exclusive from one another, and at other times overlapped. I have learned that you have to take the good in with the bad sometimes and keep believing and working for a better world. You have to take it all in stride, knowing that the hardest moments have made you stronger, yet simultaneously more empathetic because you know what it feels like to be inherently broken and in need of hope, and so I try to share that hope in any way that I can. If you have any questions about all of this, just ask. I am happy to answer them in any way I can.

If you have any questions about any of this, just ask. I am an open book and would be happy to answer them in any way I can.

6 popular bands you didn’t know were named after Literature

As I mentioned on my About page, a lot of what I will be writing will be some sort of thoughts and contemplation about music, books, or films. That being said, this post is simply for a bit of fun. In this attempt to merge my love for writing and books, and my love for music, here is a list of a few musicians or bands that have named themselves after great works of Literature. Some of these you may know, but maybe not. With that, here are six bands who give a significant shout out to their favorite books or writers:

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Moby: This artist is a man of many talents. Although most know him as a musician and DJ– he also utilizes his creativity through writing, photography and advocating for animal rights. Moby would likely be most referenced in appearance by his casual dress, bald head, beard and black, thick-framed hipster glasses. As far as his music goes, the musician made his debut in 1992 with his self-titled album and has since released numerous well-known pop. ambient, electronic dance songs. The most familiar of which are arguably from his album Play. The album features hit singles such as “Porcelain” and “Natural Blues”.  Moby also recently partnered with Steve Cutts in making a video for “Are You Lost In The World Like Me” which exhibits a profound message and artistic genius.

You may have already been aware that the artist’s name “Moby” is not the name he was given from birth. He was born “Richard Melville Hall” named for his famous ancestor, Herman Melville. He was given the nickname “Moby” as a reference to the classic novel “Moby Dick” which was written by his great-great-great-grand uncle, for whom he was named.

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Sixpence None The Richer: This alternative Christian rock band is probably best known for their hit single “Kiss Me”–a tribute to french filmmaker Francois Truffault’s romantic movie “Jules and Jim” and later went on to be appropriately featured in several film avenues as well. The song was popularized from the film She’s All That but was also featured on Dawson’s Creek, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, as well as the ending of the live BBC broadcast of Prince Edward’s Royal Wedding. Many pop music listeners also recognize the stylistic vocals of the band’s female lead singer Leigh Nash in the remakes of “There She Goes” performed originally by The La’s, along with “Don’t Dream It’s Over” originally performed by Crowded House. Both of Sixpence None the Richer’s versions made their radio debut in in late 90’s and early 2000’s.

According to interview on The Late Show with David Letterman, the band got it’s name from a story in C.S. Lewis’ book Mere Christianity. When the TV show host asked if it was a literary reference to Dickens, Nash shared the story from the book. In the story, a little boy asks his father for a sixpence to buy a him a gift. Because he gave his father the gift that he bought with his father’s money, the father was no richer because of it. Nash explained to the host and the audience:

“C.S. Lewis was comparing that to his belief that God has given him and us the gifts that we possess and that to serve him the way that we should, we should do it humbly – with a humble heart – realizing how we got the gifts in the first place.”

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Modest Mouse– This American rock band, originating from Seattle, Washington is perhaps best known for their hit single “Float On” debuting in 2009 on the album Good News for People Who Love Bad News. single that pop music listeners might be familiar with is “Dashboard” from the album We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank. The catchy and somewhat vague band name actually comes from a passage in a short story written by Virginia Woolf. The story entitled “Mark on the Wall” was written by the modernist and her husband in 1917. The passage that the band snagged it’s name reads:

“I wish I could hit upon a pleasant track of thought, a track indirectly reflecting credit upon myself, for those are the pleasantest thoughts, and very frequent even in the minds of modest mouse-coloured people, who believe genuinely that they dislike to hear their own praises.”

The novelist became well-known for her stream of consciousness writing and novels. The most famous perhaps are Mrs. Dalloway, To The Lighthouse and A Room of One’s Own. Chances are, if you have studied a British Lit course in college, you have read one or more of these books. I for one, can certainly appreciate the bands acknowledgement to her work.

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My Chemical Romance– This New Jersey rock band was a favorite of mine back in my high school emo days. The band debuted in 2001, right as I was experiencing the peak of my own teen angst, which made their music very relatable. If you were anything like me, you fell in love with the sensitive, damaged,eye-linered, bad-boy look of Gerard Way as he sang to the world, letting us all know, “I’m Not Okay”. The song for me served as a gateway, only to later explore every beautiful melody of the album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, and then branch out into other albums. In 2006 the band released their concept album, The Black Parade, with yet another hit song of a similar name: “Welcome To The Black Parade“. Their music is still a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. You better believe that if one of their songs comes on the radio, I will know every word by heart.

The band, in fact, got it’s name from a novel by Irvine Welsh. The youngest Way brother and the band’s bass guitarist was working at a Barnes and Noble and was apparently struck by the title: Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance. They decided to simultaneously shorten the name and make it more personal by dropping the “Three Tales of” and adding “My” instead. If you know anything at all about the band’s music, it’s quite clever and fitting if I do say so!

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As I lay Dying– Unless you’re into the Metalcore scene, you may not be familiar with this band. However, anyone familiar with William Faulkner’s 1930’s novel, will know right away where the band name originated. The novel As I Lay Dying, is a complex modernist tale of a family’s quest to bury their mother, told in the perspective of fifteen different narrators, in stream of conscious form.

Regardless of your familiarity with the band, you may have seen the headlines in Summer of 2013 when band member and vocalist, Tim Lambesis, was arrested for hiring a hitman to murder his wife. This news came as unthinkable to many fans, especially in light of the fact that the band has stated on numerous occasions that, while they are not signed to a Christian label, each of the band members are practicing Christians. The charges and trial process, sentencing Lambesis to six years in prison, unfortunately brought their music as a band to an end when remaining band members decided to move on with a new band, Wovenwar.  

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The Devil Wears Prada– As yet another Christian, Metalcore band, this band seems have their faith a bit more reflected in their lyrics and themes. This band, like As I Lay Dying, did not sign to a Christian label, but all band members report they are practicing Christians. The band of course has much less of a dark history as the one previously mentioned. Of course there are other similarities. This band’s name derived from a novel written by Lauren Weisberger, by the same name. The chic-lit novel, The Devil Wears Prada, is about a young aspiring writer who works as an assistant to the editor of a fashion magazine. Her boss proves to be a cold, beast of a woman, drawing connections to the book’s title. Although the novel spent six months on the New York Times best selling list, most are probably more familiar with the film released in 2006. The parallels between the characters of the novel, its title, as well as the band’s name, serve with numerous implications of greed, temptation and other evils.

 

 

Well, that’s it folks! Do you have any other bands that you know of that are named after books, or writers, or some other artistic reference? I’d love to hear about them! Comment below or email me!

On what it means to be feminine

This morning I met with a dear friend for a lovely Sunday brunch. Although I think we both would have rather been enjoying mimosas and pancakes, at this time of year in Montana, it was nice to have a hearty Irish meal at a well-known pub downtown and enjoy the warming effects that a good cup of Irish coffee afforded us.

I always enjoy every conversation I have every had with this friend. She challenges me in the best sort of ways, and more often than not, I walk away feeling refreshed and encouraged that I am not alone in where I stand. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her presence in my life.

At any rate, our conversations lately often turn to current events, and what it means to be a strong female voice in the world, and in the church. I know of many women that feel there is a struggle in feeling like they have a place in society. Especially in the church. This has been a struggle that dates back for generations, and while I know we are moving forward, it seems as though that progress has been slow. I know there are many minorities and marginalized voices that feel this way as well. I will not deny the fact that as a white female, I still have a lot more freedom, and opportunities than many other woman of other demographics. I am believing and fighting for the day that we are all equal in Christ, as he so intended it to be.

As I walked back to my car after saying our goodbyes, I got to thinking about what it means to be feminine. Perhaps the problem is how we have not only defined the word, but also in how we have applied it. To be feminine means to be of a female quality, of the female gender… so naturally that means that to be feminine means to be soft-spoken, and gentle, and sensitive, and pretty…. right?

This appears to be what our culture has taught us. I fear that we have done a lot of damage as far as the identities of individuals go. In the ways we associate these characteristics with the feminine, we have in essence said that any woman that does not fit the mold, is not really a woman, at least not the way “God intended her to be.” The other side of this effect is that we have given the impression that men who are gentle, soft-spoken, sensitive, nurturing… are not masculine, simply because they don’t fit in with the burly, loud, aggressive stereotypes.

Although we may not vocalize such ideas, they are certainly there in the underlying makeup of our society. There is a well-known quote that I’ve seen circling around the internet that says, “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s whole life believing its stupid.” To apply these stereotypes to the people around us creates a whole slew of people who begin to believe they are broken if they don’t match the definition our culture has provided.

The truth is, labels limit people. Labels also only work in terms of people, if the person we are labeling agrees with them. To quote the great novelist, Toni Morrison: “Definitions belong to the definers, not the defined.” The only person who can truly know who we are, is ourselves. The only one who knows us better than we do ourselves, is God. So if God says you are a woman, or a man, or whatever… and you are not what the world says you should be. Oh well.

I know that sounds rather trite, but it is the truth. You owe no apologies to anyone for being who you know God has made you to be. Let that sink in, let it settle. You are you. For a reason. You matter. You have tremendous purpose. Even when it isn’t recognized by the rest of the world yet.